Delicately Dying 1

I had a great life. But I wasn't a great person. I was a teenager, normally confused about who I want to be. Who I liked and what I didn't.
Sometimes I wanted to die. I don't think that's odd if you compare it to other teenagers. It's a very suicidal time in anyone's life, really. You can be the happiest person in the world on record, and have at least one time you felt there was never any hope or love to ever come your way.

Grief is a jerk, to say the least. It comes without warning and tears you apart mentally and emotionally. It makes you never forget the things you wish you did. It makes you think more about the things everyone tells you never to think about.
Death.

I think death related thoughts consumed at least 35% of my mind. And sometimes more than that. I had many dreams about death, me dying in particular. I drowned a lot and was burned a lot. Those were my worse fears. Burning and drowning. I hated swimming. I had very weak lungs, so I didn't get along with swimming too well.

I did, however, host a swim party one day. It was a wonderful party, really. I would love to go back in time over and over again to relive every moment. All of my friends were invited. I had at least half of them come. It was actually a good amount. It was at my house. A very nice house. On a neat golf course in the nice part of California. Well, the only part I ever really knew, to be honest. Sacremento.

This particular day was in fact my seventeenth birthday. Birthdays are fun. I liked birthdays. I always felt so lonely when they were over, though. When I was little I would cry a bit and my sister would be pretty optimistic about it. "Oh, Ally, don't cry, just have another birthday!" This made me happy and I decided I would do so and lived on.

And I did live on for quite a while.




MAY 30, 2012

The last day of school usually involves lots of crying, hugging, and talking.
This was the end of my Senior year in high school. I was so excited and happy for this. I was going to college.

"Goodbye, Allyson." My friends would hug me kindly and leave. I probably wouldn't see some of these people for years-but that never really bothered me. What bothered me is that they probably wouldn't care for that. As a young adult,  I naturally craved attention and someone to look out for. Moreso, someone who would look out for me.

After a bit of thinking, I decided that this was not the exciting day for me.
Thinking really ruins ya, haha.
I was very bothered this day and nobody could comfort me.
I decided I must see my good friends sooner than college. At graduation, I stated to my family that I was going to have a fabulous party and they would never do anything about it. My sister laughed and said if I ever hosted a party it would be about as fabulous as two gay guys. I guess it was a compliment, yeah?

March 2012

Anyhow, a month passed. This made me angry. By now, I had moved into my friend's house until I could find a nice, affordable apartment. That was one friend who I saw. I also saw her and her boyfriend a lot.
I also heard them a lot. Heard noises I've never ever hear her make.
I had a bit trouble sleeping. I think it's hard to sleep when there's slamming and groping all over the wall and both crying bloody murder.

Basically, I studied for a while then planned the fabulous party. I called some friends: Jayson Helve, Amber and Andrew Syme, Emma Keene, and Lauryn Joceline.

Amber sat around in my spinning chair and ate chips and referenced television shows. Andrew scoffed at his sister and worked on the party ideas like they were charts and graphs.
I never understood how those two maintained an orderly sibling relationship.

Emma brought us new music albums. Emma and I were the creative ones in the group, you can say. Instead of doing what we were supposed to, we opened up our laptops and listened to a new The Yeah Yeah Yeahs album.

Jayson and Lauryn just sat there and basically agreed with everything one another said. Theytold us a couple of jokes and relaxed. After 'planning' the party, we all got together and played video games. Lauryn beat everyone.
We all got bored until Emma had a suggestion.

"Hey, guys, know what we should play?"

Jayson nodded then huffed. "We aren't playing first person shooters, either."

"Definitely not! How about..." Emma laughed. Her little smug asshole laugh she does before she suggests something snarky. Dear God. "Just Dance Four?"
Everyone agreed on that idea after some debating. Lauryn got a bit worried and said she didn't know how to dance, so, Jayson being himself, he told her to 'let the pros handle it' and fell down and almost broke his hand for about the second time that day.

God, my friends were little shits.